All my single ladies!

Walking into work that day had to be the hardest thing I ever did.  My eyes were sore, and I was regretting wearing my contacts.  I had decided to ditch the makeup, though not all that uncommon, and had thrown my hair up into a ponytail.

"Are you okay?"  my boss asked.

Was I okay?  The answer was no.  I had spent most of the night before knowing that I would be ending my relationship soon.  I had spent that day crying in my room after the break up.  But I didn't tell that to my boss, I plastered that sorority girl smile on my face and said, "Yes."

Hardest thing I had ever said.

Relationships are not easy things.  They take a lot of time and energy.  They take compromise.  But at some point in time, it had become easier for me to be in a relationship then to imagine being single.

But now I was single.

And on a whim, I brought the Nine of Pentacles with me to work.  I tucked it into my apron and run my fingers over it when I felt sad, as if to remind myself that there was more to my life than that boy.  That there was more for me to than just being someone's girlfriend.  There was life beyond every boy and any boy.

I survived that day.  I survived that month.  And I survived that next big break up.

According to It's All in the Cards by John Magiapane, the book I taught myself to read Tarot with, the Nine of Pentacles represents the value of money.  Pentacles and coins almost always represent money or material wealth to me.  If they represent something more abrstract, I take  the card to represent skills that are needed in the workforce or to gain that material wealth.

When I give readings to my musician roommate about her music, the coins are always in abundance.  I can always tell when her question had been about her music or getting into grad school, the question would always pose itself as a pentacle.  But never as this card.

Magiapane, said one word in his description that a 14 year old girl took off running with.  "Single." There was a card about being single, and being strong through it.  It was a meaning that I very much tailored to fit my life and what I needed something to say to me.  What I missed was everything else that Magiapane said: "This card often appears in the layout of mature women who are widowed or single, independent and well off."  The woman in the nine of pentacles is not single because no one wants her.  For the most part she is single out of choice.  She has not found someone who is her equal to share in her wealth and hard work.  She has not settled for anything less then everything she wants.

And that is more than okay.  That is what every woman should do.  And it is something I am still learning.

My most recent break up has been much easier on me this time around.  I have to admit, I'm in a much better place in life.  I'm a little more sure of who I am and I appreciate what I have to offer to someone else.  Truth be told I am in no rush to jump into anything new.  I'm more concerned with finding out who I am and what I am looking for.

Because what I can create is just as beautiful as what the woman in the Nine of Pentacles has created.

So this blog post was sparked by some posts that my cousin was putting on facebook.  (I swear I don't spend all of my time on facebook.)  She had recently become single, and like any other girl, was having trouble understanding what that meant to her.  While reaching out to to her, I was reminded of my own hardships with that transition phase, both the most recent and the time before that.

Despite the fact that I was ready to be single, doesn't mean I knew how to be single.  I spent such a long time in a relationship with the same guy.  We spent a lot of time building something together.  And now it was gone.  I switched between thinking it was everything to be with him, to thinking it was nothing that I couldn't regain.  It stops me from thinking what I have to build on my own.  

So I dedicate this to my cousin Vynie and my sister Ciara.  Who are two of the most amazing girls I know, and are the only people I am happy to say I am going through being single with.  I dedicate this to my cousin Margaret, who desperately wants a relationship, and I hope I can show her to create a good one.  I dedicate this to my cousin Grace, who at 11 is more sure of herself then I am.  I dedicate this to my single friends, the ones who are happy and the ones who are not.  May you be the independent women I know you are.  I dedicate this to my friends in relationships.  To the ones who have found their equals and the ones who could have done with being a little more choosy. I wish you would have been more choosy.

You will always be, my single ladies!

Return to my Tower

The new Timeline on facebook was created for me.  I love going back by years and months and reminiscing on where I was and who I was.  While on one of my many trips down memory lane, I came across an old note.  (Remember those?)  Every time I reread it I go back to that exact moment and how I felt.

So I'm going to start this off with something I wrote long ago...

Shadowscapes Tarot by Stephanie Pui-Mun Law

"The Tower's meaning: a catastrophic change that can be expected to shock the senses and witnesses. A shocking event without warning. The person will be pushed into new circumstances with no idea of the results.

Maybe you can relate to this, maybe you can't. But this card comes up in one of my readings, and something pushes the panic button inside of me.

Even people who don't understand much about Tarot can just look at the card and get a feeling of what it means. Something that should've lasted didn't. And now the very foundation is coming undone. Surely nothing good can come of this?

But then again, maybe it can. Maybe the Tower was old and was only holding the owner back. Now they have the chance to rebuild and move on. Or maybe they will never recover.

There is a danger to destroying all and waiting to see what is left.

Something that some might not understand is I hold a special place for the Tower in my deck. It's my Shadow Card. A constant reminder of my personality and an excuse for when my occasional mood swings go sour.

Why do I bring this up now? And why the Tower? There are 21 more pleasant, for the most part, other cards to talk about. And that's just the Major Cards.

I bring this up for many reasons.
1.) It came up today in a reading.
2.) It has actually appeared in several of my readings as of recently
3.) It applies to right now

Whether we want it to or not, change is charging towards us. No one denies we are making a huge leap into something. And quiet frankly, nothing is guaranteed. Just because you got into a good college doesn't mean your life is set. Just because it feels like you're going nowhere now, doesn't mean that's what the rest of your life is going to be like.

So I sat there today, on my bed, and I didn't panic. I didn't panic when the rest of the spread hinted that I was probably causing the destruction of the Tower.

And for once I looked at the Tower, at the change it implies, with respect.

Whether the change is coming or has already past, whether I'm the cause of it or not, all I can do is take the hit. And see what rises from the ashes.

And what does rise from the ashes, that is what is worth using when it comes time to rebuild again.

My best wishes to you all as you begin to rebuild. May the changes come and you are prepared for them. And most importantly, may those changes make you stronger.

This might mean nothing to you, or it might mean something. But all of you mean something to me and I hope you understand my words."

 Facebook has the note written on June 14th, 2008.  That is a little less then four years to right now.  Most of my writing from that time is laughable, the ramblings of an over dramatic girl who was begging for attention.  I was on a break with my boyfriend at the time, which was a delightful experience.  I was getting ready to move out to college.  I was beginning to see myself mature into someone I wanted to be.  Ties with friends were either being strengthened or cut.  However, it didn't seem to matter

All of this change was at my fingertips, and I felt stuck! 

I've never been one for handling change very well.  I actually suck at it.  It was in that moment, however, that I came to terms with change.  At least, the change that I felt ready for.  Turns out, I really wasn't all that ready, but I dove in any way.

So lets fast-forward to August, 2011.  In a small town in Michigan, my stepsister and I went to go see a tarot reader.  He was a sweet older man, but a little hard to understand.  Despite of a very mellow personality, he had a lot of spunk and seemed to be charged by the reading he was giving me.  It was a yearlong reading, but the overall layout was hard to follow.

And it showed up, The Tower.

The Tower does not come into my readings very often.  It's as if the Tower and I have a silent agreement of sorts.  If I listen to it when it does show up, it shows up only when it needs to.

Now I knew this was going to be a year of change.  It is my senior year of college.  I was going to begin my student teaching in January.  I was moving into my first independent living quarters with a group of people I never lived with before in September.  I had a two-year relationship fraying at the ends.   There was no way that there wasn't going to be change.

But I still pushed that panic button.

He recognized that I knew what the tower meant.  "It's okay.  This is going to be good."

That good thing he was referring to was my relationship ending.  My Tower was pointing out the obvious.  I could explain away the drunken ramblings of "I wish I wasn't so scared to be single."  I could explain away the frustration due to the temporary long distance.  I could explain away the fights that were occurring on a regular basis. 

The Tower refused to be explained away.  Things were going to change. 

Now there is something dangerous to burning down everything and seeing what is left.  Because what I was left with did not feel like much.  I was left with a girl who was confused and didn't know how to single.  I was left with someone who cried herself to sleep on more than one occasion.

I was left with the most patient, caring friends I have ever had in my life.  I was left with the comforting support of my family.  I was left with the promising future of my student teaching.  I was left with a girl who did not know how to be single, but took every opportunity to figure out what that meant.

The Tower kept its end of the bargain and has not reappeared since that reading, but I know my year of change is far from over.

So I start this blog where I should have, four years ago.  I have made connections to many of the cards over the years, and it is time I start to reflect on the more.  The cards are amazing things, and have much to say.

For me, they have always been the message hidden in the madness of my life.